Sunday, March 27, 2005

The Crossroad

Ginawa ko ito nung bata pa ako sa sobrang daming magawa....
Medyo nakakatawa pa nga yung English ko. Pero praktis lang.
May mga time naman tayong lahat na naging ganito rin...

It was Friday (June 5, 1998), tomorrow would be my birthday, I was 12 years old then but my mind thinks as if I was 20 years old. A few more hours and all my life would change, I would become a teenager. For me that meant, I’ll have to behave like a teenager, of course. I have foreseen my life, I thought…, I had learned from watching so many movies that being an adult is a very risky job,. You’ll feel all the sorrows that was being hidden to you when you were still young when all your life was a fantasy. A life where you are the protagonist, you are the hero, and birds sing, only for you to accomplish your adventurous life. This was one of my fears. I knew that when I grow up, I will leave my world, that world, my virtual world.
I love day dreaming, most of my time in school was spent looking outside the window. I love staring at the green, lush leaves of those plants in that garden not faraway from the room. I love dreaming of taking a walk along a path that I made because of my frequent treading in the mountain that I can always see, from my seat.
I was born outside the main town, but not that far. Our house is located beside a wide open field, where cows and horses can eat their grass. Maybe this is the reason I love the mahogany tree (i was addicted by its not very interesting smell), and the nature itself. We don’t have much neighbors, actually, what I mean is a family that can associate with us and talk sometimes about anything. The front of our house is a government office and all the children that go there leave at night, so I don’t have enough time to meet them. At the right side of our house is a rice mill and it always makes noise when you feel you want to take a nap. It also exhausts a lot of dusts that will make me always clean my things. We were the first family to settle on that part of the barangay. We had family neighbors before but they all just last only few years then they leave to find another place. All the others that temporary stayed were workers of the mill.
If I wanted to play with other kids, I would walk a few blocks to get to the house of the Bullozos. It is very big family, Mr. and Mrs Bullozo loves children, and in fact they have 12 children now, and I believe their family will grow even larger. They are friends of my family, my father and Mr. Bullozo are close friends. They love drinking (wine of course "drinking session") together, with other drinkers in the sittio. My father loves to host a wine drinking session, (cool term isnt it) yes inuman nga!. Though he doesn’t drink much but he always prepares lots of pulutan. I’ve never seen him too drunk again after he was bitten by our dog Maxwell, when I was about 5. He is a good cook, much better than my Mom. My mom rather stay with dogs.
We have lots of dogs, maybe about nine. The part of the road along our side is known for dogs chasing all the tricycles that come across the way. Mother spent so much time feeding the dogs. It is in our family’s tradition to get left over fish and meat in the market just to feed these monster eaters. Yes, they eat a lot. Each of them eat more than we do, and If we miss to get those meet in the market. My mother will scold us and make us cook rice for them. Imagine feeding these dogs that sometimes what they eat are fresher than ours. These dogs are very lucky.
I can’t blame my mom. Dogs are part of our lives and all of them came from my mother’s first pup that was given to her when she was still single. I think the pup’s name was Twinkle and my mother sold her when she became sick and tried to bit someone.
My childhood was a blurry fantasy, much like an illusion that will surely fade. I loved being a kid with lots of dreams. And still now, i consider my self a kid (in heart of course) I hate leaving this identity of mine. Going to adulthood seems to be a land of no return. There is no turning back. This was the moment, the crossroad of my life. (sounds like a song)
These were my choices, my possible paths. The one was to grow older and become famous for making an invention that can make a real change in the world. I envy this man that invented the violin when he was still 13 years old. I always wished to make something relevant in my younger years, but I couldn’t. This was my other choice. It was kind of stupid but I really wanted to die that night but I can’t let myself do it or else the essence of my death will be wasteful. I wished someone would kill me. This was my reason, I wanted to go to heaven at an early age, at an age that I could play in the golden fields, climb those trees with lots of delicious fruits awaiting my presence. Be with those animals that God created for me to play with. The heaven is a very nice place to continue my adventures and I will not grow up. I knew that if I die an adult, I can’t bring my precious ... things.., my things and my, my love one. Most of the adult’s happiness can’t be brought in heaven. You can’t have sex anymore; you can’t have a romantic relationship because heaven’s love is for all. Everybody are friends of each other and no other grouping containing of only two hearts may exist. What would I do in heaven as man, just sit in the golden fields and stare at the creations of God all day? My mind would be limited unlike my childhood days that are full of new adventures waiting for me. If I killed myself, I would surely go to hell. Hmm, I never thought that it would be a nice place to continue my adventures there. But what am I today, luckily I continue to live, a simple life nothing special about but I brought my childlike imagination to give my existence an essence.

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